My little dream of a happy life has always been to find my soul mate, get married (and *stay* married), have a few kids, and grow old with my husband. This has always been my biggest hope and dream. For the most part, the rest of my life has been all about waiting for the aforementioned one to really begin.
But the problem with my expectation of a happy life is that it leaves me feeling lost and sad and incomplete, since in my current situation, I am single, childless, and alone. Disappointment is a familiar friend. And fear creeps in when I start thinking, "What if I never have this dream of mine? What if I don't ever meet my perfect mate? What if I never have children of my own?"
Or ... *LIGHT BULB MOMENT*... Is it that if I never met him, never had those children, then I could somehow rest assured that the alternate reality of my future would be equally fulfilling because... I made it that way?
Hmm... Perhaps I have more control over my own future than I ever realized. A powerful thought. I can choose to be disappointed. Or I can choose to find fulfillment in the present moment, as well as whatever future I find myself occupying. I know this, somewhere deep inside me, but to be THAT strong? THAT content? Do I have it in me? Do I *want* it in me? (Why do I feel like I push against a hardwired baseline of discontentment? Where the hell does that come from?!)
I am sitting in a box. It is one of those big refrigerator boxes like my brother and I used to play in as kids. Except now it is sealed shut. With me inside. I haven't minded the darkness. Or the close quarters. Until now. I found a little crack in the corner, and a little beam of light cuts through me like a knife. Pressing my face to the cardboard, I peek through the crack. THERE IS MORE OUT THERE?! My whole world suddenly becomes very, very small. For a long time I just sit and let the reality of my discovery sink in. Then I start to feel cramped and uncomfortable inside, yet mortified of what lies outside my safe little cardboard world.
Today I am sticking my head out of a hole I've cut in the top of my box. Just looking around, content to feast my eyes on all there is to see, and determined to be gentle with myself. I may not be out of my box, but that's okay. Where I am, in this moment, is okay.
I am okay.
Side note: I am a control freak. And a planner. I know this for certain now. It is one reason why my cardboard box is so small. I made it, and I control it, and it makes me happier when I feel in control. I ask myself "Could I be THAT strong?" without realizing that it actually may require more strength to try to control and plan everything that I do on a daily basis. It may be easier, and require less strength, to simply LET GO. And it amazes me that I can turn something so simple as "letting go" into some gargantuanly difficult task that I have to "be stronger" in order to do.
Sigh. :)
Beautiful post. Lettin go definitely can be difficult to "just do". That means you have to open yourself, open your HEART back up to things which now may be a little foreign to you. Things that you keep in a seperate box far away from you so they can't cause you pain anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt is a good thing you have the control now because once you let go it WILL be scary and it won't be all sunshine and butterflies. It never is. But knowing how to control can be an important tool to obtain when something bad does happen. You will be able to bring yourself back to the safe zone and start again. Balance is necessary.
You and I have grown close over the last few months and I can honestly say that you have already been letting go of more than you think. Keep going and stay strong! You will make it and great things are coming for you! Plus, we are all here to help you in your journey to growth and happiness. :)
Love you!
I know you and I don't really know each other that well.. only what little has been conversed through our "secret society" and what little bit Nina and Steph had told me.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I know, you're a very strong woman that just doesn't realize how strong and capable you are. It is very hard to let go and free fall into the unknown. However, there are a few things I was taught growing up and a few things I've learned along the way - we control our reactions to the actions of life. If you don't like something you see or something you're doing - change it. If you like something - continue in that direction. We create life as we go along.
God/Universe never gives us what we can't handle and what we don't need. Everything in our life is there for us to learn and grow from. It is our responsibility to understand our lessons to be learned to progress through life.
Husband, kids and growing old? All still possible - key to it all is knowing you and being happy with you. Before that happens I promise you don't need to worry about the rest. It just makes it that much harder to enjoy. But don't let that scare you or discourage you. Take that and motivate yourself - your soul - in knowing what you want in life and how to achieve it. Let it motivate you in exploring the unknown and tearing out of your box ready to take on the world, because you already in control to do it. You're behind the wheel - just hit the gas, hun!
And Nina's right - we're here for ya! Always!!!
I will be right there in my cardboard box next to you. We can hold hands or give each other square "air" hugs when things get scary.
ReplyDeleteI'm still working on cutting the hole for my head to fit through though... :)
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so, I'm so proud of you (a la Drake..if you haven't heard this song, listen).