It Is Good

It is good.
It is so challenging sometimes
that I think I want to scream
or cry out in fear
and lack of strength
but
it is good.

It is good.
Your eyes match mine and
at night when we are finally
alone
they soak me in
And I can trust you again.
I can trust myself with you again.
And it is good.

It is good.
When a little is crying
and I feel alone in your house
and like an ogre next to your
soft, kind children
with tears streaming down their cheeks,
It is good.

It is good.
It is a test of all my strong parts
and I realize in the darkness
of your bathroom
at two in the morning
that this fear I have of
running out of patience and strength
is completely irrational
because I am not the person
I once was,
anymore, but instead I am
exactly who I have always wanted
to become.
It is good.

It is good.
I never imagined I would be in this place
with you
and the littles,
but I am, and
it is good.

Making Peace

To my past self,

It is Sunday evening, May 11, 2014. The air is warm and the sun is spilling golden light all over this little corner of the city. There are fresh herbs growing on my back porch, and the man of my dreams left his handsome cologne scent all over my sheets last night and this morning. It has been a bit of a retreat weekend for the two of us, as he managed to sneak away from his three beautiful young children to take me out on a date for the first time in a month. We sat in a secluded booth at an Italian restaurant and giggled like high school kids the whole night.

            I know it seems so unbelievable to you right now, but life will be better. So very much better. There is a gnawing inside of you that keeps you up at night, keeps you aching for something more. You don’t have to try to squelch it. And you can stop trying to change that boy. He will always love you, and he will need you desperately, as he does now. But you don’t really need him, and there is something inside you that knows that. You are packing your whole life into one big shipping container and about to move over 800 miles and an entire time zone away from everything and everyone familiar. Even though there is some invisible force you can’t explain that drives you to move, to change, you half believe that at any moment you will crumble under the weight of it. Shrivel into a ball of fear and demons and pain. You doubt your own strength, though. All you’ve ever known is the you who has needed a man to feel complete. But rest assured, there will come a time when you realize your own inner anchor. You are scared to death of being alone, but I promise that when you learn to embrace yourself, you won’t be disappointed. You are strong enough. And you will prove it to yourself over and over in the years to come. You are starting a new chapter, and standing in the doorway to a new life. It will challenge you, and there will be tears. Oh so many tears. But today I am here to tell you that you will be okay. You will make mistakes. You will form friendships that will last you the rest of your life. And you will end relationships that seem to crush you from the inside out. But the one thing that remains is your own truth and love. Forgive yourself. Each day. And keep offering that forgiveness to others, because God knows we all deserve redemption.

            Your dreams will come true, dear one. Because you refuse to settle for anything less. And because you will find the only real source of contentment in yourself. 

Love,

Me