To my past self,
It is Sunday evening, May 11, 2014.
The air is warm and the sun is spilling golden light all over this little
corner of the city. There are fresh herbs growing on my back porch, and the man
of my dreams left his handsome cologne scent all over my sheets last night and
this morning. It has been a bit of a retreat weekend for the two of us, as he
managed to sneak away from his three beautiful young children to take me out on
a date for the first time in a month. We sat in a secluded booth at an Italian
restaurant and giggled like high school kids the whole night.
I know it
seems so unbelievable to you right now, but life will be better. So very much
better. There is a gnawing inside of you that keeps you up at night, keeps you
aching for something more. You don’t have to try to squelch it. And you can
stop trying to change that boy. He will always love you, and he will need you
desperately, as he does now. But you don’t really need him, and there is
something inside you that knows that. You are packing your whole life into one
big shipping container and about to move over 800 miles and an entire time zone
away from everything and everyone familiar. Even though there is some invisible
force you can’t explain that drives you to move, to change, you half believe
that at any moment you will crumble under the weight of it. Shrivel into a ball
of fear and demons and pain. You doubt your own strength, though. All you’ve
ever known is the you who has needed a man to feel complete. But rest assured,
there will come a time when you realize your own inner anchor. You are scared
to death of being alone, but I promise that when you learn to embrace yourself,
you won’t be disappointed. You are strong enough. And you will prove it to
yourself over and over in the years to come. You are starting a new chapter,
and standing in the doorway to a new life. It will challenge you, and there
will be tears. Oh so many tears. But today I am here to tell you that you will
be okay. You will make mistakes. You will form friendships that will last you
the rest of your life. And you will end relationships that seem to crush you
from the inside out. But the one thing that remains is your own truth and love.
Forgive yourself. Each day. And keep offering that forgiveness to others,
because God knows we all deserve redemption.
Your dreams
will come true, dear one. Because you refuse to settle for anything less. And
because you will find the only real source of contentment in yourself.
Love,
Me
