So what?

Strangely, in a completely unrelated conversation with a friend today, I found myself asking "So what?" in response to a stranger's ranting about education. I was immediately struck by the impact of those two little words, and on my commute home while sitting in five o'clock traffic on the interstate, decided to try them out on myself.
You see, my usual mental repertoire in the car often goes a lot like this: "(Pulling out of the parking lot) School was great today. I'm tired. I have so much to do when I get home. (Sitting on the entrance ramp to the interstate) I don't do enough while I'm at school. I should be more efficient with my planning periods. (Finally merging onto I-40) One reason school is so wonderful is because it's the one part of my day where I don't give my brain (much) room to obsess about... him. My hometown ex-boyfriend. What is he doing today? I want to talk to him. But that's not what I SHOULD do. I should just stop hurting him by being in his life. I have hurt him so much already. Broken his heart so many times I've lost count. But he's doing so good these days. I'm so proud of him. But how can I keep being supportive of him if I don't see spending the rest of my life with him? I really don't see the rest of my life with him? Am I sure? For god sake, Leah, you are such a mess." By this point I've pulled into the parking lot of my apartment, and can usually be found pitifully bawling my eyes out in the front seat, car still running.

It's what my afternoons usually look like. Yet today, the words, "So what?" kept tumbling around inside my head.

So I loved a man. Loved him but didn't fall in love with him. Is that so horrible an offense? Does that really deserve such a bitter, daily ritual of self-loathing? I put my heart out there. I gave everything I had. So you loved him, Leah. So what? There are so many more worse and more hurtful things you could have done. Hell, you did more than just love him. You inspired him. You challenged him. You helped him be a better man. So you loved him. So it ended.

So what??

("Let it go," my soul whispers back for the millionth time.)

The freedom in these words catches me by surprise. With the sudden lightness in my chest comes a cool, sweeping calm. I want to hold onto this little bit of peace for as long as I can, and I beg my battered heart to let me remember every moment while it lasts.