Getting Off Track

This sappy self-help book I’m reading called Mars and Venus Starting Over (yes, I’m lame and reading sappy self-help books) makes the argument that as long as you have unresolved issues in your heart over a past breakup, you will continue to attract the same kind of mate. The kind that is not right for you. You will continue to force yourself to replay the same situations over and over, albeit with different people, until you finally face the underlying problem inside your own heart. 

So, here I am. Just having recognized the problem inside my own heart, I said goodbye to yet another man who wasn’t right for me. Because I refuse to keep playing out the same mistakes again and again. Call me a heartbreaker. Or a pessimistic fool. Or a selfish bitch. (Of which I’ve been called all three at one time or another.) I have been walking in circles around a track, holding onto the same worn out patterns of behavior, unwilling to look myself in a mirror.

(On a side note, I suddenly understand why people often hold onto things that aren’t necessarily good for them. Because in the very least, they are familiar. The track, regardless of how small and dirty it is, is also the most safe path to take. Because you always know where it leads. Getting off that track may seem exciting at first, because of the countless possibilities that exist outside of it, but ultimately, fear creeps in. Too many options are terrifying. Standing out in the open, arms empty, with no idea where to go next, and suddenly the idea of that old familiar track doesn’t seem so bad.)

The funny thing is, when I finally started looking at myself in a mirror, I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I would be. In fact, with each passing day, I was more and more proud of the woman standing in front of me. I was learning to be kind to her. To forgive her for each time she'd get back on that old, worn out track. As much as I knew how much of a mistake it was for her to get back on, I also knew that she needed that time to gather her strength a bit more. And she needed to keep loving. Even if it was a man who wasn’t right for her, she needed to keep loving him. To remember what loving feels like. To remember why we love others. To let her heart get bigger and stronger. And, in a weird way, I think that man needed her a while longer for the very same reasons.  

An even funnier thing is that my worst fear, of standing off the track, isn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I'm not really ready to take off running in a particular direction, but for the first time in a long time, I'm happy to be standing here, in my own skin, and proud of it.

For now, standing here, off track, is the best place for me to be.